Monday, July 4, 2011

Heart Broken

The pain and heartache from loosing a baby has to be one of the most painful feelings I have ever felt in my life. My heart actually aches with sharp pains. Sometimes I think I'm having a mild heart attack. It's been really hard to digest my recent loss. I've had 2 losses within the last year. How ironic Londyn was born 4/23/10 and Baby Kevin was born 5/24/11.The pain is unbearable at times. Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for the sins I've committed in my life. For every wrong I have done. One can't help but feel like this is the end of the road for me. I believed the TAC was my answer and I would one day bring home a baby and not leave the hospital with such disappointment. I have mixed feelings about trying again. I'm so scared to have a 13th loss due to IC. My husband has actually given up on trying for now. I'm trying to be understanding of his feelings, but is he being understanding to mine? When I say I don't want to give up. I don't want to let IC win. There are women in the world who are not able to conceive or who are not able to have children at all for whatever reason. I feel like If I'm able to conceive and reach the second trimester there is still a chance for me to be a mother.

My sister is also pregnant which makes the healing process for me harder. She is due 12/27/11 a month after Kevin was to be born. So now I have to try and put my feelings aside to be there for her. I hate that she became pregnant at the same time as me, because I feel like I'm loosing out on the excitement of my niece or nephews development and arrival in December. I try to keep my distance because it's a constant reminder, I should still be carrying Kevin. I'm very happy for my sister but hurting at the same time.

I'm dealing with the pain as best as I can. Knowing I still have a chance at becoming a mother will help me in my healing process. I plan on speaking with my doctors here in Atlanta on a purposed plan for the future. I have spoke with Dr. Davis on his suggestions.  Now we have to decide, If and will we try again and what steps we will take not to have another loss.

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